Subscription date : 29 September 2017
Messages : 6
|I'm pretty sure we've all had one of those moments when we're stuck in traffic, or watching our house burn down, or crying on the toilet, and we think, "Someone needs to invent a thing that prevents this," and then of course you never do so yourself, because you have no idea how it would work you just know it needs to exist. Well, I live my life like that too, and I have a short list of items that need to exist. In the envelope is a simple zipper sealed plastic bag, and in that bag are five thumbnail sized, shriveled up Carolina Reaper peppers, alleged to be the hottest peppers on Earth. I ordered them from a website in preparation for an article I may or may not ever write.
Dale Thurber / Wiki Commons
If I ever eat this, you can expect to read my 2,300 word column
that's just "WHYYYYYYY?" over and over.
Part of me knows if I eat one of those peppers and record the result, many a laugh will be had at my discomfort. Human suffering is genuinely amusing when it's the sort of suffering someone brings on themselves and is mostly cartoonish in nature. Wouldn't you like to see me eat an outrageously hot pepper and then writhe in agony? Of course you would. But I have trepidation. Not for the first round of pain; that's to be expected, as my insides knot in fiery torment and panic sweats blind me while I blubber like a guppy desperate to find a puddle. Is there no pill that a human can take to help absorb the capsaicin they've consumed? No medicine we can take a spoonful of to ensure that the hot sauce we're only supposed to open with welder's gloves will ease on out, like soft ice cream from Dairy Queen?
I'm convinced NASA could figure this out if they tried; it's just that our priorities are in the wrong place these days. I've dabbled in the odd sex toy article and store in my day, and if there's one thing I know, it's that things that assist you in jackin' it are really popular. Look how popular s are. But here's the thing no one has ever been fooled by that fake holder. For starters, it's made with the same quality plastic as a laundry hamper from the dollar store no one makes flashlights out of that shit. And it's also the size of a little person's leg what kind of cave spelunking flashlight are you carrying around in your luggage?Though it's still the most fun flashlight to use when the power goes out.
The idea behind the was a good ravens store[/url] one: Let's improve wanking. You [url=https://www.brownsjerseyshop.com/]cleveland browns jerseys can't be down on that. But why a flashlight? Is fucking a flashlight normal somewhere? I certainly hope not. This is like making camouflage out of a repeating burger pattern, on the off chance you need to hide out in a McDonald's dumpster.
Basically, I'm saying the adds a needless dimension to your wankery. Why not strip away the illumination and just put that rubbery, texturized inside on a glove? Then you just have a masturbation glove that, for all anyone cares, looks like a rubber glove. By the way, "squirt apple" is officially my 1,000th euphemism on Cracked, and the shittiest one I've ever made. I'm getting a gold pen from management!A Sarcasm FontMy god, would this idea make a fortune.
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If we ever elect this, you can expect to read Adam Tod Brown's 2,300 word column
that's just "I FUCKING WARNED YOU!" over and over.
Sarcasm was likely the first victim of the Internet, and every day it rises anew and gets slaughtered by people who lose it somewhere in cheap redskins jerseys those pipes that Twitter lives in, like humorless Morlocks. Now, really sweet, quality satire should have that crisp delightfulness that goes over some people's heads, so every other smug shit who got it can curl their lip just so as they enjoy their brandy with a titter of laughter since they're in on the joke. But that's like Swift quality satire, and no one but The Onion does that anymore. Everyday sarcasm needs a hero. Wingdings are already the font of assholes.